Welcome to Demon Streets

Ladies and gentle-demons, we have a game. Unfortunately, at this point we have little more than a concept, a title, and a few hopes, but, in all honesty, that's a good deal more than we've had hitherto. The title of the game, or series of games, will be "Demon Streets." Each outing will be subtitled by geographical area: e.g., the first in the series will be "Demon Streets: New York City." What sort of game will this be, and how will you play it? Well, it will combine a board (a map of the demon possessed city provided by us and printed by...you!), dice (supplied by you), cards (also printed by you, on photo paper most likely), and possibly pieces (printed on card stock?). Basically, you will move around the board using the pieces but the game will be "controlled" by the computer. Sean describes it as a "play-around-a-laptop" game and envisions a group of people at a table eating, drinking, and killing in good company. Not a bad image. If a little brutal for my taste.

So much for how it will be played. What is the concept? As the title would suggest, the world has been taken over by demons. Some are humanoid, some are not. Much of New York City's geography will be vaguely hell-like and altered in a multitude of ways. As for the object of the game, "campaigns" will be presented over time, until a selection of "plots" will be available for online playing. Once this has been accomplished, we will move on to another city; say, Chicago or LA? Campaigns, maps, and possibly whole new creatures will be developed for the new locations. Until we have enough and move on again. And so on.

It would appear that this previously useless video game development blog might actually live up to its name. Since we actually have a game concept to work on. If Sean comes through on this I will forgive him for everything. Except for being a fathead. There is no excuse for being a fathead. Is there, fathead?

Ask a doofus

Since I appear to be having an online discussion with Sean, thought I'd ask him a direct question. So, tell me, do you get the nagging feeling that you are a failure, Sean? Are these feelings corroborated by verifiable facts? Please, share with our millions of blog readers.

Hate. Pure hate.

Despite Sean's having saved the studio from total destruction, I still am quite angry with him. He did threaten to, and in fact he very nearly did, abandon us. After everything we've done for him, that takes some nerve. And too, I have a troubled home life and therefore I come to work looking to vent my spleen on any unfortunates who venture near. And he ventures very near. Can I tell you? Can I say this? His violation of my personal space, his sheer proximal indecency, is an outrage to civil society. And, yes, I hate him with every burning fiber of my raging gargoyle heart.

So, what I'm leading up to here, is I took his spaghetti out of the fridge and threw it at the wall behind his desk. I figured he was too idiotic to guess the culprit, but I discovered my mistake when he approached my cubicle and said, "So, I suppose you want me to believe Oscar Madison did that?"

"He did," I said, hoping to fake him out. "I saw him."

"Oscar Madison is a character in a movie, dummy. Played by Walter Matthau. Actually he was a character in a play first, then he was a character in a movie. Actually, most recently he was a character on a TV series played by Jack Klugman. It lasted for five years, I think. Interestingly, Mickey Rooney was considered for the role, and Martin Balsam..."

In case you're wondering, because I know you are, this represents his usual style of discourse. Like I said, he's an idiot.

Fantasy creatures saved!

We're saved! Sean returned with an army of ass-kicking orcs, routed our attackers, sent them packing, and has brought hope to all of us here at Dragon's Cache Studios. It seems he means business after all. I guess I had him completely wrong. Whether he will come through on his "Sky Thief" game I do not know. But I certainly am grateful that he came around at last. Funny how people can surprise you. Heck, sometimes they can even surprise themselves.

Oh, and he said something about someone not stopping the signal. Whatever that means. Also, he promised the orcs we'd pay them back after they saved us. And they've promised that if we don't pay them, in full, they would attack the castle themselves. Of course, we have nothing left in our cache, so things are looking bleak again. I mean, if they attacked that would be worse than the parents! Whose twisted fantasy is all this anyway? I want a refund.

The end is here

Oh my deities! Sean is quitting! Our fantasy castle is being besieged by the irate parents (and pirates)! Our ramparts are overrun! I am not long for this fantasy world!

Assuming I escape with my life, anyone require the services of a pencil pushing gargoyle? My needs are modest. Crap! There goes Sean, that coward, out the back, yelling something about cutting his losses. Like, what exactly did he invest in our studio anyway? I mean, you'd think he did everything by himself. Or something. Hoo boy, Darla's gonna have a field day when she catches up to him. He'll rue the day he created Dragon's Cache Studios.

Dragon's Crash Studios?

OR, perhaps he does already.

Fantasy creatures out

Ignominiousness minimized?

Having suffered the debasement consequent to his snowman game fiasco, Sean has graced us with a new game idea. No Frosty mutilations involved. In fact, no murdering at all, but shooting. According to him, it embraces what he calls "simple, old-school sensibilities." He goes on to say it's: "a 2-d shooter featuring a bird spitting tiny rocks at enemies." Yes, I know, that's what I said. Interesting title though; he's calling it "Sky Thief." But, 2-d shooter? Who comes up with this bizarre terminology? Not pencil pushers, I assure you. Presently, he's at work on some character designs which I will soon post, along with a better description of what this thing is. Assuming I can get my pencil neck-supported head around it.

Incidentally, as Dragon's Cache Studios is too impecunious to hire a lawyer in our case against the parents, Darla decided to visit each parent in turn to try and make them see reason. Offers were made. Deals were struck. Houses were spared. Well, most were spared. And, yes, someone is camping in their own backyard.

Yet, I can't help but wonder what would happen if they wised up and pooled their resources to retain their own dragon lawyer. The best damned dragon lawyer to torch a bar exam. Talk about singe qua non. Ha. Law humor. Check it out!

Like, oops

The results of our focus group were not to Sean's credit. Turns out, the kiddies didn't exactly plump for snowman mass murder. At all. In fact, they wept bitter "I want my mommy" tears. Seriously. We may have traumatized the poor little buggers. What with Frosty's specific body parts being sniped off, his head exploding under machine-gun fire, not to mention his total obliteration by concussion grenade. Yes, parents were called in. Lawyers (do all parents take their lawyers everywhere with them?) were consulted. Dragon's Cache Studios may not be long for this fantasy universe. Nice going, ace!

So, Sean. I put it to you. Bad idea, the whole "sending Frosty to war" thing? Yathink? And now it's back to square -1 for us. When I said this to Sean his reply was: "not square -1, you frickwit. Square |1|" Is that supposed to be some kind of joke? For whom? Anyone? Anyone?

No one asked you, cricket-people!

Ravings of a madman

Sean's been running about the offices here at Dragon's Cache Studios all morning carrying on in a most disturbing manner. With all his various disruptions, it has become impossible for me to get anything done. Not even the smallest bit of paperwork. Much more of this and I will gladly bring it to Darla's attention, and let the chips fall where they may. He keeps yelling, over and over as if we didn't hear him all the other hundreds of times:

"I'm gonna snipe your ****ing carrot nose off, you ****ing snowfreak!"

Also, something about corn cob pipes. I must say that this sad little fellow needs a tad bit of psychological tweaking. Or perhaps a complete mental overhaul. He appears to have taken complete leave of his senses. And I'm sure they (his senses) are quite relieved to be free of him. I know I would be.

Death of a snowman?

I have to give it to him, while Sean's brainstorm isn't exactly a deluge of creative brilliance, it perhaps adds up to slightly more than a thimbleful of meh. One thing it will deliver on, apparently, is the gunfire. He wants to create a war simulation involving armies of...well, snowmen. He says, "They're cute and you can still blow their heads off." Strange human. He's particularly keen on something he terms "snowman sniping." Also, since he so often revels in the messing with of people's heads, he's chosen one particularly odd location: a volcano. Wouldn't you think that would be a mite warm for Cool and the Gang? "That's the point," he says, "it will add a nice urgency to the final level as your snowman squad must battle against time as they start to get all squishy and turn into puddles." One gets the idea he's played a few of these things. As for the title, he suggested: The Big Frozen One, the Snowy Dozen, Full Metal Snow Cone, or Hamburger Chill.

Next up: As per Darla, a few focus group studies to see what the kiddies say. I'd love to see what they think of my personal favorite title: Kiss Your Frosty the Snowman Goodbye!

*rub rub*

You know how evil folks are said to rub their hands together in sheer malevolent joy? Well, those sad chumps have nothing on me. That's cuz I've added my feet to the fleshy mix of ill will. Why, you might ask, is my will ill? Because in two days Sean "I work for Glenn the Gargoyle now" Harrigan must deliver his "billion seller" game concept.

And, no, that's not the reason my appendages are currently conjoined in communal caresses.

Check out his parameters:

1) It must appeal equally to all age groups, genders, species, and magical qualities (including undead status--especially undead status).

2) It must be difficult enough to attract hardcore gamers but easy enough for my ninety-year-old grandma to pick up and play as her first game. And win.

3) It must look amazing and have high production values. Well beyond the cutting edge. All for the bargain basement cost of $10.97 (we're talking about the budget here, folks, not the price of the game itself--the game will naturally retail for $100 and sell a billion copies).

4) It should include lots of guns and shooting (Darla read an article on demographics and preferences) but avoid any such unpleasantness as people being shot or hurt. That's right, many guns and no deaths. Or hurts. Not even hurts!

I'm in such a delightfully devious mood I think I'll swipe his spaghetti from the fridge again and deny it. Since the vending machine is empty, he'll have to eat that years old package of Life Savers for lunch. He thinks he's so damned creative. Let's see him get creative about lunch. Hat? Foot? Words? That's not creative for him. That's business lunch as usual.

Paybacks are Hades in the blogosphere!

Rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated

There's only one thing I love more than crows eating humans, and that's humans eating crow. How about a dose of self-humiliation to wash down that gamy bird, Sean, old sport?

Turns out, not only have I not been "fired" by Darla, I have been promoted. My new title is a ridiculous concoction, naturally, and I cannot even hope to recall it at present. Or perhaps ever. But that hardly matters to me because the upshot is that that crow-munching human has been placed on my staff. That's right, he answers to me now! It was painfully obvious to Darla, as well as anyone who happened to read this blog, that I was in over my head. His vehement exhortations that I should "play a few video games or something before you, I dunno, try to make one" were merely an underhanded way to make me miss my deadline. And it worked. But those Pyrrhic victories have a way of biting you in the portable beanbags, don't they, buddy boy?

Cuz--you ready for the best part?

He has exactly one week to come up with a viable concept for a game. Not just viable, mind; one that will sell until the cows come home and collapse exhausted from having been well and truly milked within an inch of their pointless, bovine lives.

OR (and here's my fave part) he will be let go. By Darla. At 10,000 feet.

Who's laughing now, hairy man?

Mega Man is really, REALLY annoying!

It is dawning on me how hazardous my ongoing dependence on Sean could prove to my health. I suspect he was putting one over on me when he said a certain game would be good for a beginner to practice with. Or perhaps I misheard him. Did he say Meta Man, or something? I certainly hope it was "or something" because I have been curled up in a fetal position (yes, it's apparently possible to play a video game in a fetal position) trying to complete this thing for the past 72 hours. Nothing could make me put the controller down; food, sleep, bathroom breaks, all were nothing to me. Yes, I'm a little ripe just now.

I will spare you the pungent expletives with which I assailed my innocent television and simply take issue (calm, cool, collected issue, if at all possible) with those infernal red lunchbox-headed critters on their pogo sticks. Confounded cretins! The so-called Mega Man is weak sauce to their double extra spicy barbecue glaze. And what a fool this Mega Fellow is! Clearly the pogo-things are at a great physical disadvantage as they are extremely top-heavy and hop about upon a single appendage. Simply topple them, you Mega Dolt! But noooo. Self-annihilation is vastly preferable to a tiny shove from the blue man. And don't get me started on that yellow "I will throw bits of myself at you until you die but I will never run out of myself" sandman.

Unfortunately, and here's the real problem, I spent so much time attempting to finish this thoroughly evil game (I never made it past Deconstructionism Man) that I missed the deadline for my game altogether. So, very likely this will be the last the world will ever hear from me. This blog, I mean. Hardly a legacy the likes of War and Peace. More like Fruit and Nuts.

Sean is annoying

Sean is annoying. Today he accused me of stealing his spaghetti from the refrigerator. I said I hate spaghetti and why would I do that. He said if you hate spaghetti what is that spaghetti sauce doing on your face. I said that's blood and I cut myself shaving this morning. He said who the hell shaves at work anyway and what a load of, well, you know. I am ignoring his emo (some cool kids' word he uses all the time) paranoid outbursts. I'm better than that. I'm soooo much frickin' better. He's soggy bread to my nice piece of crispy toast. He's just jealous. Damn it to Hades. Who needs him? Other than me. And, btw, his spaghetti tasted like, well, you know.

New IDEAS!

Hello, interactive entertainment fans. Yes, week two of my two week project is half over and, no, I have no illusions here. Just because I played a bona fide video game (albeit one on the venerable Atari 2600), that doesn't mean I can make a Halo clone, or clone a Halo, or however one says it. One thing is certain, Sean what's-his-name-again is, shall we say, unsympathetic to my plight. In fact, last Friday he laughed in my face when I told him about my assignment. He wasn't laughing so hard after I gouged a chunk of flesh out of his arm (we gargoyles have wicked claws) and demanded the ten dollars he borrowed from me three years ago. I am a patient gargoyle but I have my limits. When I told him that I had played Pitfall! to familiarize myself with a famous video game, he suggested I repeat this strategy with games of all types, even if that put me closer to my deadline. What a pal. So I played lots of pinball this weekend. I chose pinball for two reasons: 1) it is the only game that I can actually play at all, and 2) it is within the scope of my artistic abilities to draw a circle (granted, I usually use the bottom of a beer bottle). When I told Sean about this, he seemed suitably impressed and informed me that there is a popular video game not terribly different from Halo in which you are often playing as a pinball (the title sounded similar to Altoid?). Perhaps this will be a snap after all. I even had a brilliant idea which could turn the pinball into a great character. Try this on for size: what if his mouth looked like a slice missing from a round pizza? My god, the elegant genius of that! And he must eat things, this Puck Man. Hm, note to self: find new name, as that one lends itself to certain vicious wordplay. I'm just glad no one else has thought of this before. Whew.

Notes on Pitfall! by Activision

Having played my first video game ever (Pitfall!), it seems an appropriate time to share my thoughts on the experience. Overall, as I stated in my previous blog entry, I enjoyed myself despite an inordinate amount of time spent kneeling before a certain chunky wooden obstruction. This situation might strike most people (and fantasy creatures as well) as improbable at best, but let me tell you that this game possessed several illogical premises. I shall not waste your time or mine by enumerating all of them; a few should suffice. In all my reading on geological phenomena (earthquakes, volcanism, etc.), I have yet to come across any mention of a fissure which has the audacity not only to open and immediately close, but to do this repeatedly, again and again--as if to taunt the poor, little running man. If you think that stretches credulity, just wait! As with all animals, no doubt scorpions come in many sizes. Perhaps they have even been recorded to extend the length of a human foot. That, in itself, would be remarkable. But here we have a scorpion easily ONE HALF the size of the man. Preposterous, I say! Furthermore, I suggest that had this creature been represented in a more realistic proportion to the player’s character, leaping over it would have been made a great deal easier. Indeed, as in life, one should be able to STEP over (or even upon) this malevolent invertebrate and continue upon one’s merry way. This was completely unrealistic and made me cry. Lastly, I will not mention the lunacy of swinging from a vine in order to cross a crocodile infested pool rather than simply walking around it. No, that would be folly enough. What follows is, let me assure you, a great deal more dubious. Now, I have no doubt, navigating a treacherous jungle would necessitate a great many extraordinary expediencies on the part of the traveler, but not to my worst enemy would I suggest this: traversing said pool of crocs by STEPPING ON THEIR HEADS. True, the initial croc could well be surprised (and even stunned immobile) that you have just stepped on his head. But his compatriots, especially if they skipped lunch, would be less concerned and set upon you in a trice. Once again, were I the little running man, I would most assuredly walk around the pool before I’d risk filling the bellies of those, apparently, lazy “let me open my mouth so you fall in” beasts.

Other than these quibbles, it was great, log infested fun! But I’m done kneeling for now.

The Budget

I asked my illustrious leader (I almost said illustrated--must be loony) about my budget today. Her answer was less than encouraging. She said (after a fiery, horse-like snort) that I should take a candy bar from the company's cache, sell it on the street, and that would become my budget for making the game. Unfortunately, I hadn't eaten yet and I was hungry and, you guessed it, that candy bar is now in my stomach. So my budget is already gone. That pathetic, freeloading human, Sean what's-his-face-again, owes me ten bucks, so I plan to beat him up and extract my money upon our next meeting. Also, while roughing up co-workers is seldom the preferred way to lead into a business proposition, I shall attempt to pique his interest in helping with the game. He might have even heard of this Halo thing. I mean, how hard can this be? I already have a head start as I have a tablet of nice drawing paper. Question: how do you get the picture into the computer? Frankly, I could be in trouble if the Halo characters are harder to draw than the little fellow in Pitfall! Yes, I played that game this morning (it was recommended to me as one of the classics). And, unfortunately, I must confess to you that it is the first video game that I have ever played. Overall, I found it quite enjoyable. Though the logs were clearly diabolical. Even the stationary ones. Every time I approached one it would knock me to my knees. Mean ol' stationary logs.

Hi from Glenn

Hi there. My name is Glenn the Gargoyle, and this is my blog. My boss, a big badass dragon named Darla, has instructed me to start blogging in the blogosphere with all you tech-savvy blogger types. Ever been on the business end of a thirty-foot, fire-breathing dragon? So, here I am, blogging. On the subject of video games. About which I know absolutely nothing and one of which my illustrious employer (I call her that despite a decided lack of quantifiable pay) has tasked me with creating. Quite a predicament for a muddle-headed, pencil pushing, company gargoyle like myself. Apparently, my boss fancies that a public viewing of my failed attempts to make a video game would be...what? Entertaining? Side-splittingly hilarious? That might be nice for her. Anyway, it's learning time, I guess. Do you think I could make one of these thingies in a week? She wants it finished in two. Is that long? Maybe you kind folks in the blogosphere can help me out here. What's a Halo? Multiplayer? Surround sound? Heck, what's a video game?