Update from Darla

Hello out there.

Normally I would delete this blog (I don't know how) or have Glenn do it for me (he's no longer with us). Sean may or may not be with us. I haven't seen him around lately, so I cannot say for certain. This project officially died for me the moment I found out Glenn ate the candy bar with which we were going to fund the thing. He said he was hungry. Then he asked me if I could remember his exact corporate title and I could not. I could, however, recall his salary which was the roundest number ever in the history of numbers. Then he asked me if I had any more patience and I did not. I did not fire him, exactly. I might have pushed him a little. Off the battlements. Kind of an encouraging little nudge. As in: "Fly, fly away little birdy, your guts are hated, you make us sick, and we don't want you around anymore."

It's not easy being the CEO of a fantasy studio. You can't fund videogames with candy bars. You can't find real help (just the fantasy kind). And, worst of all, everyone runs in fear when you raise your head and spout a column of fire at them. Wait. That part's awesome.

I'll see if I can get Sean back on this project. Don't hold your dragon breath. He's a lazy good-for-nothing human. But I think he has some potential. Fantasy potential.

Darla the Dragon

Welcome to Demon Streets

Ladies and gentle-demons, we have a game. Unfortunately, at this point we have little more than a concept, a title, and a few hopes, but, in all honesty, that's a good deal more than we've had hitherto. The title of the game, or series of games, will be "Demon Streets." Each outing will be subtitled by geographical area: e.g., the first in the series will be "Demon Streets: New York City." What sort of game will this be, and how will you play it? Well, it will combine a board (a map of the demon possessed city provided by us and printed by...you!), dice (supplied by you), cards (also printed by you, on photo paper most likely), and possibly pieces (printed on card stock?). Basically, you will move around the board using the pieces but the game will be "controlled" by the computer. Sean describes it as a "play-around-a-laptop" game and envisions a group of people at a table eating, drinking, and killing in good company. Not a bad image. If a little brutal for my taste.

So much for how it will be played. What is the concept? As the title would suggest, the world has been taken over by demons. Some are humanoid, some are not. Much of New York City's geography will be vaguely hell-like and altered in a multitude of ways. As for the object of the game, "campaigns" will be presented over time, until a selection of "plots" will be available for online playing. Once this has been accomplished, we will move on to another city; say, Chicago or LA? Campaigns, maps, and possibly whole new creatures will be developed for the new locations. Until we have enough and move on again. And so on.

It would appear that this previously useless video game development blog might actually live up to its name. Since we actually have a game concept to work on. If Sean comes through on this I will forgive him for everything. Except for being a fathead. There is no excuse for being a fathead. Is there, fathead?

Ask a doofus

Since I appear to be having an online discussion with Sean, thought I'd ask him a direct question. So, tell me, do you get the nagging feeling that you are a failure, Sean? Are these feelings corroborated by verifiable facts? Please, share with our millions of blog readers.

Hate. Pure hate.

Despite Sean's having saved the studio from total destruction, I still am quite angry with him. He did threaten to, and in fact he very nearly did, abandon us. After everything we've done for him, that takes some nerve. And too, I have a troubled home life and therefore I come to work looking to vent my spleen on any unfortunates who venture near. And he ventures very near. Can I tell you? Can I say this? His violation of my personal space, his sheer proximal indecency, is an outrage to civil society. And, yes, I hate him with every burning fiber of my raging gargoyle heart.

So, what I'm leading up to here, is I took his spaghetti out of the fridge and threw it at the wall behind his desk. I figured he was too idiotic to guess the culprit, but I discovered my mistake when he approached my cubicle and said, "So, I suppose you want me to believe Oscar Madison did that?"

"He did," I said, hoping to fake him out. "I saw him."

"Oscar Madison is a character in a movie, dummy. Played by Walter Matthau. Actually he was a character in a play first, then he was a character in a movie. Actually, most recently he was a character on a TV series played by Jack Klugman. It lasted for five years, I think. Interestingly, Mickey Rooney was considered for the role, and Martin Balsam..."

In case you're wondering, because I know you are, this represents his usual style of discourse. Like I said, he's an idiot.

Fantasy creatures saved!

We're saved! Sean returned with an army of ass-kicking orcs, routed our attackers, sent them packing, and has brought hope to all of us here at Dragon's Cache Studios. It seems he means business after all. I guess I had him completely wrong. Whether he will come through on his "Sky Thief" game I do not know. But I certainly am grateful that he came around at last. Funny how people can surprise you. Heck, sometimes they can even surprise themselves.

Oh, and he said something about someone not stopping the signal. Whatever that means. Also, he promised the orcs we'd pay them back after they saved us. And they've promised that if we don't pay them, in full, they would attack the castle themselves. Of course, we have nothing left in our cache, so things are looking bleak again. I mean, if they attacked that would be worse than the parents! Whose twisted fantasy is all this anyway? I want a refund.

The end is here

Oh my deities! Sean is quitting! Our fantasy castle is being besieged by the irate parents (and pirates)! Our ramparts are overrun! I am not long for this fantasy world!

Assuming I escape with my life, anyone require the services of a pencil pushing gargoyle? My needs are modest. Crap! There goes Sean, that coward, out the back, yelling something about cutting his losses. Like, what exactly did he invest in our studio anyway? I mean, you'd think he did everything by himself. Or something. Hoo boy, Darla's gonna have a field day when she catches up to him. He'll rue the day he created Dragon's Cache Studios.

Dragon's Crash Studios?

OR, perhaps he does already.

Fantasy creatures out

Ignominiousness minimized?

Having suffered the debasement consequent to his snowman game fiasco, Sean has graced us with a new game idea. No Frosty mutilations involved. In fact, no murdering at all, but shooting. According to him, it embraces what he calls "simple, old-school sensibilities." He goes on to say it's: "a 2-d shooter featuring a bird spitting tiny rocks at enemies." Yes, I know, that's what I said. Interesting title though; he's calling it "Sky Thief." But, 2-d shooter? Who comes up with this bizarre terminology? Not pencil pushers, I assure you. Presently, he's at work on some character designs which I will soon post, along with a better description of what this thing is. Assuming I can get my pencil neck-supported head around it.

Incidentally, as Dragon's Cache Studios is too impecunious to hire a lawyer in our case against the parents, Darla decided to visit each parent in turn to try and make them see reason. Offers were made. Deals were struck. Houses were spared. Well, most were spared. And, yes, someone is camping in their own backyard.

Yet, I can't help but wonder what would happen if they wised up and pooled their resources to retain their own dragon lawyer. The best damned dragon lawyer to torch a bar exam. Talk about singe qua non. Ha. Law humor. Check it out!