Notes on Pitfall! by Activision

Having played my first video game ever (Pitfall!), it seems an appropriate time to share my thoughts on the experience. Overall, as I stated in my previous blog entry, I enjoyed myself despite an inordinate amount of time spent kneeling before a certain chunky wooden obstruction. This situation might strike most people (and fantasy creatures as well) as improbable at best, but let me tell you that this game possessed several illogical premises. I shall not waste your time or mine by enumerating all of them; a few should suffice. In all my reading on geological phenomena (earthquakes, volcanism, etc.), I have yet to come across any mention of a fissure which has the audacity not only to open and immediately close, but to do this repeatedly, again and again--as if to taunt the poor, little running man. If you think that stretches credulity, just wait! As with all animals, no doubt scorpions come in many sizes. Perhaps they have even been recorded to extend the length of a human foot. That, in itself, would be remarkable. But here we have a scorpion easily ONE HALF the size of the man. Preposterous, I say! Furthermore, I suggest that had this creature been represented in a more realistic proportion to the player’s character, leaping over it would have been made a great deal easier. Indeed, as in life, one should be able to STEP over (or even upon) this malevolent invertebrate and continue upon one’s merry way. This was completely unrealistic and made me cry. Lastly, I will not mention the lunacy of swinging from a vine in order to cross a crocodile infested pool rather than simply walking around it. No, that would be folly enough. What follows is, let me assure you, a great deal more dubious. Now, I have no doubt, navigating a treacherous jungle would necessitate a great many extraordinary expediencies on the part of the traveler, but not to my worst enemy would I suggest this: traversing said pool of crocs by STEPPING ON THEIR HEADS. True, the initial croc could well be surprised (and even stunned immobile) that you have just stepped on his head. But his compatriots, especially if they skipped lunch, would be less concerned and set upon you in a trice. Once again, were I the little running man, I would most assuredly walk around the pool before I’d risk filling the bellies of those, apparently, lazy “let me open my mouth so you fall in” beasts.

Other than these quibbles, it was great, log infested fun! But I’m done kneeling for now.

The Budget

I asked my illustrious leader (I almost said illustrated--must be loony) about my budget today. Her answer was less than encouraging. She said (after a fiery, horse-like snort) that I should take a candy bar from the company's cache, sell it on the street, and that would become my budget for making the game. Unfortunately, I hadn't eaten yet and I was hungry and, you guessed it, that candy bar is now in my stomach. So my budget is already gone. That pathetic, freeloading human, Sean what's-his-face-again, owes me ten bucks, so I plan to beat him up and extract my money upon our next meeting. Also, while roughing up co-workers is seldom the preferred way to lead into a business proposition, I shall attempt to pique his interest in helping with the game. He might have even heard of this Halo thing. I mean, how hard can this be? I already have a head start as I have a tablet of nice drawing paper. Question: how do you get the picture into the computer? Frankly, I could be in trouble if the Halo characters are harder to draw than the little fellow in Pitfall! Yes, I played that game this morning (it was recommended to me as one of the classics). And, unfortunately, I must confess to you that it is the first video game that I have ever played. Overall, I found it quite enjoyable. Though the logs were clearly diabolical. Even the stationary ones. Every time I approached one it would knock me to my knees. Mean ol' stationary logs.

Hi from Glenn

Hi there. My name is Glenn the Gargoyle, and this is my blog. My boss, a big badass dragon named Darla, has instructed me to start blogging in the blogosphere with all you tech-savvy blogger types. Ever been on the business end of a thirty-foot, fire-breathing dragon? So, here I am, blogging. On the subject of video games. About which I know absolutely nothing and one of which my illustrious employer (I call her that despite a decided lack of quantifiable pay) has tasked me with creating. Quite a predicament for a muddle-headed, pencil pushing, company gargoyle like myself. Apparently, my boss fancies that a public viewing of my failed attempts to make a video game would be...what? Entertaining? Side-splittingly hilarious? That might be nice for her. Anyway, it's learning time, I guess. Do you think I could make one of these thingies in a week? She wants it finished in two. Is that long? Maybe you kind folks in the blogosphere can help me out here. What's a Halo? Multiplayer? Surround sound? Heck, what's a video game?